What I've Been Up To 14

What I’ve Been Up To

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It’s been a little while since I’ve written one of these. I figured it was about time to do one since I do have some things I want to get off my chest. 

I’ve had a rough few days. For the last few days I’ve been battling depression and for the last few days, depression has been kicking my ass… except for today. Today has been a good day. It hasn’t been perfect, but the fact that I’m even writing right now is a good sign because I haven’t felt like doing anything lately. I woke up today feeling pretty good. I even played some Ghost Recon: Wildlands. That was a strange game to play today because I haven’t touched it in months, but I jumped in it and had fun roaming around and doing random shit. Depression has been a pretty serious issue in my life. I considered suicide for awhile because I felt alone and I thought the world would be better off without me in it. The night I was going to do it I met my wife and we spent the whole night talking to each other. So when I say that my wife saved my life I mean it in the literal sense.

My depression this time is nowhere near that deep. I’ve just been sad and I can’t really explain why. It’s multiple things that built up in me all at once. I don’t like where I live, I want to find myself a job that I love doing, and I feel like I’m a bad parent because I can’t give my kids a better life. I know that last part is false, but my mind warps my thoughts and makes me think the worst possible things of myself and everyone else. I haven’t thought of any of that today though, but I am still having some pretty bad nightmares. They’re so bad I wake up with a massive headache every morning. Music has been the way I’ve been coping with this. I’ve been listening to some of everything. Marilyn Manson, Roy Orbison, Luther Vandross, Heart, and many others have found their way onto my Spotify playlist over the last few days. I’ve just been mellowing out and not allowing myself to get worked up or aggravated.

Now let’s get to the fun stuff :).

On the gaming side of things, I’ve been playing Ghost Recon: Wildlands, Final Fantasy XV, and a bunch of phone games. I tried out that Final Fantasy: Opera Omnia (that name!), Onmyoji, and some fanmade Pokemon games. Ghost Recon: Wildlands won the award for best multiplayer game of last year on my game of the year list. It’s a lot of fun and (shockingly) I’ve been having fun playing alone for the last 3 or 4 hours. It’s one of two games that I’ve played since I’ve been depressed and it (shockingly again) is kind of helping me get through it. So… thank you for making Wildlands Ubisoft!

When I play Final Fantasy XV I can get lost in its world. Square Enix has created a fucking beautiful game for me to get lost in. I haven’t played it in a few days because of reasons I stated above. I’ve put almost 20 hours in it and I really want to play through to see how the story plays out. I even went ahead and watched that Kingsglaive movie that Square Enix advertised. I’ll write more about that when I get to the movie section. Final Fantasy XV is a huge departure from what Final Fantasy games used to be. It’s a full-blown action RPG now and I like really like it. I’ve been rediscovering my love for JRPGs lately so it’s good to be playing something meaty from the king of JRPGs.

Final Fantasy: Opera Omnia is a game that Mr. Panda got me interested in by one of his tweets. If you don’t know who that is I recommend giving his blog a follow :). Opera Omnia is a neat Final Fantasy game that lets us play as Final Fantasy characters from multiple games. It has a story mode and it even let me start off as one of my all-time favorite Final Fantasy protagonist (Warrior of Light) and I started with Vivi too (which is awesome!). The gameplay is good, the story is interesting so far, and I just unlocked Tidus. I don’t see myself using him very much because I have Cloud, but he’s there if I change my mind.

Onmyoji is the best phone I’ve ever played. I love how I can summon Yo-kai to aid me in battle and the turn-based combat too. It’s also a really pretty for a phone game. It has a fully voiced story and I love the designs of the Yo-kai that I fight against/summon. I didn’t think I would ever get addicted to a phone game, but I did.

The only movie that I’ve watched in the last month is Kingsglaive. It was a decent movie I guess. It wasn’t anything special and it didn’t make me get attached to the game version any more than I am already. It had some decent action scenes and really good acting, but aside from that, I thought the entire thing was very forgettable.

What have you been up to?

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14 Comments

  • Reply
    CheapBossAttack
    Mar 31, 2018 7:34 pm

    Sorry to hear you’ve been battling increased depression lately as well. It’s rougher some days than others and I’m glad you had a better day.

    If you’re enjoying XV and Kingsglaive, the Brotherhood anime episodes are pretty solid as well and build the bond a bit more with the chocobros. XV overtook VIII as my series favorite, which says a lot.

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Mar 31, 2018 7:51 pm

      Thanks dude. Today was good. I just told myself to take it one day at a time and I’m in a alright place right now.

      XV is really good. I just haven’t had the willpower to do much lately. The fact that I actually played a game today is a good sign though. I really want to get back to XV. And I think you’re one of the few people that’s admitted to liking FF8 :). I never got why so many people didn’t like it. I honestly don’t remember much about it. FF9 is my favorite FF game.

      • Reply
        CheapBossAttack
        Mar 31, 2018 8:17 pm

        That’s all we can really do. I’ve been having a few bad days in a row, dealing with the stress of our post-surgery cat care, a cross-country move, etc., and it’s been eating away at me and giving me awful headaches. Today was the first day I woke up and could talk myself into at least TRYING to make it different. Still not feeling great mentally, but rationalizing it and *trying* to be better about it makes a difference.

        People hated VIII mostly because of the Junction system being broken/confusing (I liked it) and enemy levels scaling with the player, so they couldn’t overpower themselves by simply grinding. I think it’s great and it was the first FF I played as an adult when weird emotions actually made sense. I connected with it pretty hard and didn’t fall that much in love with an FF until XV.

        • Reply
          drakulus
          Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm

          Yep. I’m sorry about your cat. I know how hard it is to nurse a pet back to health. Before my cat died she went blind and deaf. The only way she could get around was by scent. She always knew when I came home because she could smell me. A cross country move must be mentally draining. I’ve never moved across country so I wouldn’t know, but I hope you (and your family) are doing well. Talking yourself into a somewhat positive mindset is good. I’ve been trying to do the same and lately it’s been working. I also take time out of my day to just breathe and enjoy the outdoors a little.

          What are your favorite FF games?

          • CheapBossAttack
            Apr 01, 2018 2:49 pm

            Top 5 in order: Tactics, XV, VIII, VI, XII

  • Reply
    Ryan
    Mar 31, 2018 8:41 pm

    I’m glad you took the time out to write about your feelings bud. It helps me everyday. I’m happy that you had a better day today. You had me worried last night. And don’t let those negative thoughts take over, Use those breathing exercises i told you about and every now and then, hit the brakes, acknowledge the emotion, say to yourself it will pass.Make time for yourself. Also think if those negative thoughts are irrational or not, Take it easy pal and if you need someone to talk to you know where you can reach me. Much love bro. Say hi to the wifi and litter you got running around your pad. 🙂

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Apr 01, 2018 2:41 pm

      Thanks for the support dude. It meant a lot to me. I’ll be in touch with you soon :).

  • Reply
    Brandon Green
    Apr 01, 2018 3:54 pm

    Sorry to hear about you battling depression. Things will get better in time dude.

    I’m glad you’re getting back into things now, it’s a good way to take your mind off things.

    I love FF XV and it’s awesome to see that you like it too. The world, the lore, the music and the characters. I love it all. It must look spectacular on PC.

    Good choice in music too.

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Apr 01, 2018 8:08 pm

      Thanks. Depression came out of nowhere like an RKO and hit me hard. I’ve been better these last two days. I’m still not “okay” but I’m doing better. The fact that I sat down and played Final Fantasy 15 for two hours today is a good sign. That means I’m slowly getting back to normal :).

      FFXV is really good so far. I’m a little over 20 hours in.

      And thanks for the comment on my music :). It’s kind of all over the place right now lol.

  • Reply
    LightningEllen
    Apr 01, 2018 8:07 pm

    Depression is one hell of a monster to battle. I’m sorry you have to fight it and I hope you feel better soon! I love video games as an escape from all the sad things in life. All the best, dude! 🙂

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Apr 01, 2018 8:10 pm

      Thank you :).

      The funny thing is I love gaming to escape all the bad crap too. I just haven’t been motivated to do anything this past week. The last two days has been good. I’ve been doing more things that I love (like gaming) and spending time with my family.

  • Reply
    The Shameful Narcissist
    Apr 14, 2018 12:01 am

    First things first: depression is a liar, and while no one’s manifests the same, I can at least confirm that. I battle that demon damn near every day to some extent and I used to think I needed to stop being such a burden on my friends and family, because I was constantly just down. You know what BE THE BURDEN. You’re worth it and the real people will always be around for you.

    That being said, I’m glad you found some joy out of video games. You gave me another Final Fantasy to look up! I haven’t heard of Opera Omnia, but it’s on my backlog now. I haven’t been on Twitter as much so I’m a bit behind on my tweets. Looks like I can’t get Omnia on my Kindle without figuring out how to download stuff from the Android store. They keep that separate from what you can get at the Kindle store, but some clever people figured out how to go around that.

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Apr 23, 2018 11:44 am

      I’m sorry for the late reply. I no longer have a PC. My depression has gotten worst since I wrote this. I’m homeless at the moment and have been living out of a motel the last two weeks.

      Opera Omnia is really neat. I play it on my phone a lot. It’s a great time killer.

      • Reply
        The Shameful Narcissist
        Apr 25, 2018 8:17 pm

        Holy shit…I…don’t even know what to say. Hell yes, I’m sure you’re depression has gotten worse considering your circumstances. Geez dude, I hope things get better. I wish there was something I could do to help 🙁

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