What I've Been Up To 26

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

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I’m not really sure where to begin with this so I’m just going to start typing and see where it goes.

I never knew my grandparents on my father’s side of the family. I guess before I go any further I should let you all know that I’m a Black/White man. My mother is Black and my father is White. My father comes from a long line of racist people. My great grandfather (on my grandmother’s side) was a high ranking member of the KKK so it’s only natural that he would’ve raised his kids to hate people of a different race. Times were very different back then towards Black people. My mom regularly tells me how proud my father was to be my dad when I was born. I think she does that because she knows we’re not very close, but I love my dad. I do. I just don’t know how to get to know him because we’re two completely different people. He loves tools, cars, and manly stuff while I’m a major nerd that has no interest in any of those things. He’s hard to approach and I never know what to say to start a conversation. When I asked my mom why I never had a relationship with my grandparents she told me that when I was born they told my father they didn’t want to be around a little half nigger. She said it broke my father’s heart and he never took me back to see his parents. He confirmed the story and there you have it. That’s why I never knew my dad’s parents. 

We just found out that my grandmother died, but the situation around her passing pissed me off. My father never had the chance to say his goodbyes to his dad. His family waited almost a week to tell my dad that his father had died. This time his nephew waited a whole year to tell anyone. He hid my grandmother away from the world and collected her social security checks while alienating everyone that tried to find her. He would lie and say she was living in a retirement home when she was dead this entire time. My uncle is not a good dude. He’s violent, abusive, and likes to rape people. I’m angry because of the pain that my father is feeling right now. He never had a great relationship with his parents. He actually didn’t have one with them at all because of what happened when I was born among other circumstances. My aunt regularly tells me that her parents were evil people. I have mixed feelings because the few times that I did see them they were always nice to me. My grandfather died when I was just a boy and I haven’t seen my grandmother in almost 15 years. It’s hard to mourn for a person that I never knew, but I’m still sad because my dad is. I haven’t seen my father cry since I was a child and there he was… sitting on his bed with tears running down his face. It broke my heart and when I found out the truth on what had happened to my grandmother I got incredibly angry. I’m so angry that I can’t breathe and that’s why I’m writing this now. I don’t want to do anything stupid so I’m venting here to all of you.

I have grandparents now and the only thing I can think of his the fact that one day I’ll be without my mom and dad and that’s something I’m just not ready for. My grandmother died alone because of the choices she made in life, but if I would have known she was dying I would have went down there with my dad and said goodbye to her. Why? Because the only memories that I have of her are good ones. The few times that I saw her in my life was good times. She never said anything bad to me. She hugged me, kissed me, and told me she loved me. That’s what I remember about my grandmother, but I’m having a hard time feeling anything right now. I don’t know what I should be doing right now. I’m going through so many different emotions that I feel like I’m drowning. I know I usually end this these on a positive note, but I’m not sure what I can say that’s positive about all of this, but I’ll try. So I’m taking a few days to myself. I need to be there for my dad and center my feelings. I just need some time. Things should be back to normal in a few days. 

To get my mind off of everything I booted up the first game I could think of. I started playing Diablo III on my PC and started grinding my Necromancer up to level 70 (I’m currently level 67) and I should hit that milestone tonight if I play. I’m trying to get the seasonal rewards so I’ve been slowly grinding my way up the seasonal goals. I’m almost on page 3. I just need to hit level 70 to move on. I don’t really have a definitive build yet. I do like shooting bones at mobs though and that’s what I’m mostly using. If there’s a bone spell I’m using it. I also like shooting everything with my blood, but bones are cooler. 

Since Destiny 2 is free on PC I went ahead and downloaded it (80 GBs btw) and it’s much better on PC than console. It runs like a dream on my rig and it doesn’t matter how crazy things get my FPS never dipped. I went in with really low expectations.The stage design (right now) is average at best, but it’s something to do and I the gameplay is excellent so there’s that… 

I’m sorry for the long rant up there. Thank you for reading. 

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26 Comments

  • Reply
    emonyagami
    Nov 05, 2018 10:44 am

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family man

  • Reply
    dudewantshisrug
    Nov 05, 2018 10:47 am

    Stay strong, man. You can’t change the past but you can be there for the people in your life now.

  • I’m sorry your dad has to go through this. It sounds awful and I completely understand why you’re upset. All you can do now is be there for your dad and try not to shoulder the weight of the world.

  • Reply
    The Shameful Narcissist
    Nov 17, 2018 7:22 pm

    Damn. I’ll just say whatever you’re feeling is the right thing to be feeling and choosing to write about it instead of doing something else was a wise move. That’s fucked up what some of your family did and there’s no getting around it. The first time you see your parents cry is hard, and it’s especially hard when there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s…almost like this painful adult rite of passage when you realize that parents are pretty much just like us muddling through it all. I hope the following days help you find a better head space.

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Nov 17, 2018 9:56 pm

      Thank you. My feelings were all over the place the first few days when I found out about my grandmother. I have no grandparents now and that’s not a feeling I like. I eventually ended up crying because even though I haven’t seen my grandmother since I was a teenager I cried because my father was in pain and because I never got to know her the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I know my grandmother did a lot of bad things to her children, but I still wanted to know her anyway.

      And you’re absolutely correct about parents. I always thought my dad was invincible and that nothing could hurt him. Seeing him cry made me realize that he’s human. I obviously know that he’s human, but I always thought he was more… once again… I’m making no sense :).

      • Reply
        The Shameful Narcissist
        Nov 19, 2018 12:07 am

        It makes perfect sense. People are complicated. We like to go through live thinking they’re either saints or monsters, but the majority of humanity isn’t that simple. This isn’t to say you should put up with abuse of course, but it’s like how people can do the best they can and have good intentions, but if you hurt someone, they’re still just as hurt. You could also be lamenting the relationship you never had and the potential for it. That’s a *heavy* loss because it’s not only the person, but the potential for what they person could’ve been. Put on top of it the empathy you have for your father and that’s a whole other burden.

        Nope, this all makes sense to me! It’s like the first time I was taller than an adult. I thought the world had turned upside down because adults were supposed to be taller than children! I also used to think they couldn’t cry so the first time I saw that it threw me for a loop. We generally see our parents like that because they’re who we look to for guidance in this batshit world, and even if they’re not central in our lives, our culture centers them so we have an idea of how they’re supposed to be. I figured when I became an adult I’d know everything because as a kid that’s how you think, but now that I’m (supposed to be) an adult, I realize no one knows what the hell is going on, though older folks usually have more experience.

        • Reply
          drakulus
          Nov 20, 2018 12:41 am

          That was wonderfully said and you actually helped me make sense of my feelings about everything. My dad has been avoiding the subject of his mom. No one brings it up and he doesn’t talk about it so that’s how things are right now. He seems like he’s okay, but you can never be sure about things like this. I mean… that was his mom that died. I can’t imagine what he must be feeling on the inside.

          I used to think the exact same things when I was a kid. I think we all did in a way. When you’re young your parents are larger than life figures that can do no wrong. It’s only when you get older that you realize just how hard they must have had it raising us and dealing with their own real life problems while protecting us from them. I’m a parent now and I understand a lot more now than I did before I had kids. I’ll do anything to protect them like my mom did for me.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Nov 24, 2018 4:47 pm

            I’m glad my psych degree has been good for something! Yeah, emotions are complicated and we all deal with them in different ways depending on so may factors. As someone who’s “mastered” the art of pretending to be okay, I can say you can do it for a time, sometimes even a very long time, but eventually you have a breaking point. It’s why it’s so important to talk about your feelings and I’d say this especially for men because our culture (especially Black culture, which is a shame. I know your dad is white, which is why this is a sidebar, but it’s not like it doesn’t happen with them, too) tells them to “be a man” “don’t be a pussy,” and it gets bottled up. Fuck that. Having emotions is human, and I’m glad to see our generation is more open about it. I don’t care if people want to throw around “snowflake” and “sensitive.” I’ve always been sensitive and it’s better to deal with stuff like that rather than have it festering.

            I don’t have kids yet, but it’s a sentiment I’ve heard from all my parent friends, and I know I’d feel the same way. I’m already protective of children in general because the world is harsh and terrifying.

          • drakulus
            Nov 25, 2018 10:13 pm

            A lot of older men were raised like that. I know a lot of older white that feel the same way. Like… it’s a weakness to show emotion. That’s how my dad is. It took something like this for him to finally break that barrier down and show some real emotion. His mother was not a good person. He knows this, but she was still his mom and now he has no parents at all. Just like my mom… I’ve always been made fun of because I’m sensitive. I’m not afraid to show my emotions and I’ve been ridiculed for it many times in my life. I never understood why so many people acted like it’s a bad thing for a man to get emotional. It’s a real shame and it’s a problem for all men really. If a man comes forward and says he’s been raped or abused people wouldn’t take it seriously. They would tell him to “be a man” or “how could a man get raped”. I’ve gotten off topic though.

            My kids are my life. I’ll do anything to protect them from this shitty world.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 01, 2018 9:16 pm

            It’s absolute bullshit, and I’m glad to see a lot of people are going against it. The whole thing with Terry Crews meant so much to a lot of people, especially black men. I know I’ve grown a lot in thinking about it, too. My husband is very sensitive and I used to be condescending when he’d cry about stuff, which is really fucked up of me. It’s because we were all raised with this idea that men can’t be sensitive. Toxic masculinity is so messed up. It’s not that masculinity itself is toxic, but the idea that men can’t show, can’t be sexually assaulted or just plain assaulted and a slew of other things is so damaging. Hell, even as a girl/woman I was punished for sensitivity, because I’m hypersensitive, so I’d be blamed for GETTING hurt instead of the person who did it. Everything is so ass backwards. I’ve unfollowed family members who crossed boundaries despite what anyone else might think. It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t at fault for being hurt by the things people said and did. It strengthens my resolve to make sure any kids I have are protected from that. I don’t buy that idea it makes them weak. Knowing you have a parent who’ll always have your back is confidence building. “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglas

          • drakulus
            Dec 01, 2018 9:32 pm

            I agree. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not damaged. And my number 1 goal is to protect my kids from going through the same shit that I went through as a child. I don’t let my kids go see my sister because she’s a drug addict and because she hates me. She’s never liked me because she hates my father and I look just like my dad. You’re never wrong for feeling hurt. Anyone that thinks like that doesn’t deserve to be in your life. I’ve cut off a LOT of family members. I only have a relationship with my brother and my sister that lives in Georgia. Every time I tried to build a relationship with my other sisters it blew up in my face. They tried to take my kids away, but calling DCF and they talk shit behind my back all the time. I have a good relationship with my mom too. Not so much with my dad, but we’re not against each other or anything like that.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 08, 2018 11:42 pm

            That’s how I feel, too. I don’t have kids yet, but I don’t want them to ever feel like I was often made to feel growing up. I’m hypersensitive and anxious and that just led to a lot of hell. I blamed myself for it for years until talking to other people in similar situations made me realize it’s not my fault for being that way. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t learn coping skills, but you shouldn’t have to deal with emotional abuse. There are better ways to help someone who’s sensitive.

            Dude…sister problems seem to abound this weekend. My husband’s older sister is being an abusive asshole and there’s so much drama around that especially with the holidays coming up. His other younger sister is pretty much done with her and dealing with her poor treatment. You HAVE to set boundaries for yourself because people will treat you like shit if you don’t.

            I mean I understand if your sister hates your father and you look like him, but that’s not an excuse to treat YOU like shit. Reasons for shitty behavior aren’t excuses. That’s something she needs to sit with if she’s willing, but you don’t need that in your life if she’s going to treat you poorly and plus you have your kids to take care of and protect. I hate how people will call child services for bullshit. I actually used to be a caseworker for that years ago (only for 9 months. I couldn’t deal with it emotionally), and they HAVE to investigate every call they get, but we I heard about false ones from vindictive ex-spouses or family members (I didn’t work in intake). It’s a mess.

          • drakulus
            Dec 09, 2018 12:28 am

            My sister and I have never gotten along with each other. She used to purposely get me in trouble when I was a kid. I honestly feel that she doesn’t love me and I’m okay with that. One of my sisters work for DCF and she reported me because my other sister told her to. They said I hit her in front of my kids so I was invested for weeks before they decided that I was innocent. It was humiliating because I had to prove that I wasn’t a violent person. I didn’t let them question my children without me, or my wife, being present because I felt like they were trying to manipulate my kids (they were super young at the time) into saying what they wanted to hear. When I lost my home and was homeless I (against my better judgment) moved in with my sister and she kicked me out in the rain two weeks later. She’s not a good person and she showed her true colors when she told me that she’s never liked me and a bunch of other stuff. It is what it is and I choose to not let it bother me. I hope your husband is okay dealing with that shit because I know exactly how it feels to go through drama like that. I am pretty close to my third sister that lives in Georgia and my younger brother that lives with me.

            Me looking like my dad is a poor excuse in my opinion. She doesn’t like me because I don’t kiss her ass like everyone else around her does. She’s not used to someone having a different opinion than her and that’s where most of her animosity towards me comes from in my opinion.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 15, 2018 11:52 pm

            People using a system set in place to protect children in abusive situations pisses me off. When they’re called the deck is stacked against you and god forbid you do anything that makes it look like you’re violent. I don’t think you need her in your life though I can’t fault you for moving in with her when you were homeless, because you kind of expect family to help you when the chips are down, but some people are assholes despite the fact you share blood.

            It’s a bullshit excuse to treat you like that, and it sounds like she’s using it AS an excuse. It’s not something you can help and if she feels some type of way about it, fine, but don’t take that out on you. What if one of her kids looked like your dad? Would she abuse her child for that reason? Bullshit.

            Sadly there are people who think their opinion in the only one that matters and no one else should get a say. It sucks that she’s supposed to be your family and she acts like that, but it seems like you have siblings that aren’t and those are the ones I’d focus on.

            Thankfully me and my brothers have a great relationship, and my husband and younger sister do,too. I’m pissed at how the older sister is treating him now and the rest of his family. I know why but she’s actively pushing them away and she’ll then just blame them for it because she doesn’t want ANYTHING to jeopardize her relationship with the guy she’s dating because she has no self-worth. I’d feel bad for her if she wasn’t being an abusive asshole. I understand low self-esteem, but it’s not an excuse to treat other people like shit.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 15, 2018 11:55 pm

            Actually what’s kind of funny and I’d meant to mention this, you kind of look like MY older brother lol. Not the pic you have on your profile now, but one you’d posted either here or Twitter. I was cracking up and had to show him. Both me and him look like our mom, but we don’t really look alike. It’s weird.

          • drakulus
            Dec 16, 2018 12:14 am

            Lol! They say we all have a double out there somewhere :). I look different now. I have blonde hair now. I was actually born with blonde hair so in a way it’s going back to my OG look lol. I look my dad, all of my biological kids look like me and to answer your previous comment my sister and I don’t have the same father. She has major daddy issues that she takes out on everyone. I think she needs some serious therapy. I’m not even mad at her anymore. Life is too short to stay mad at people and I refuse to hold bitterness in my heart over the shit that she’s done to me. She’ll end up dying alone and unhappy and I’m okay with that. She obviously doesn’t want a relationship of any kind with me and I’m tired of getting hurt by her bullshit. I don’t want my kids around that kind of shit.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 23, 2018 2:08 pm

            Lol, I was “white” when I was born. My brother (who was five at the time) freaked out and said “That’s not our baby! We’re the Brown family. We need a brown baby!” That cracks me up even today.

            Yuuuup, my sister in law needs to see a therapist, too, which isn’t something I’m saying to be mean, because good ole TSN needs one, too hehe. I’ve known I’ve needed to talk to someone for years. I have decent coping mechanisms, but I definitely need to deal with my shit. You can’t convince someone who doesn’t think they need help that they do. They have to see it themselves, and often the more you push it, the more they’ll resist. Neither you nor your kids need that kind of toxicity. I have zero issue cutting people out of my life that either don’t respect boundaries or don’t care about being hurtful. Fuck that.

          • drakulus
            Dec 23, 2018 2:12 pm

            When kids are involved you need to act sooner rather then later because they’ll remember that instability and hold it against you later in life. And I think we all need a little therapy in life. I know I do. I suffer from untreated depression and I know I need help, but I don’t get help. I’m too busy to get help from anyone.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 23, 2018 2:15 pm

            YUP. They will. I think about that a lot. I told myself I’d do something in 2017, but I never had the time. I’m on antidepressants and antianxiety meds which help A LOT, but I know I need to do the other part.

          • drakulus
            Dec 23, 2018 2:23 pm

            I know I need help. I keep everything bottled up inside. On the outside I’m “happy”, but I’m screaming on the inside and when I do let that side of me show no one understands what I’m going through… so I stopped talking to everyone about me and pretend that nothing is wrong.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 31, 2018 9:50 pm

            Was JUST reading another comment about this because it seems very common. I found it easier to pretend to be okay because when I did show that something was wrong I was either ridiculed, rebuked, or punished. I heard the phrase “Fix your face” most of my childhood, so now even if I’m talking about some heavy shit, I’ll smile and laugh as I brush it off. I feel like this is the vestiges of the generation that raised us, but we know how fucked up it is, but sadly the damage has already been done. We’re aware of it though, which makes it a lot better, and our generation is great at naming shit and being like “This is the thing I felt.” I’m always floored by how dead on some posts will come to EXACT feels I’ve had. It makes me feel a lot less alone and though it doesn’t erase the aloneness I felt when I had the feelings prior to knowing what the hell they were, it does help now.

          • drakulus
            Jan 01, 2019 10:19 am

            It is very common and that’s sad and even though I know we’re not alone in feeling these things it doesn’t make me feel better. Some times it does, but most of the time I just deal with my feelings until they go away. I was suicidal before I met my wife. The night I was going to kill myself I met her standing outside a gas station. We started talking and we didn’t stop until the sun was up in the sky. We had talked for 8 hours lol.

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Jan 05, 2019 11:18 pm

            It’s a double edged sword. I’m happy to not be the only one with the feelings, but then I feel bad someone else has to feel this shitty and yeah, it doesn’t resolve the source of the emotion for me.

            Sometimes it happens that way and something catches you before you make that final decision. I got a tattoo the last time that hit me. I was thinking of driving off a bridge because I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling anymore, but instead I drove to West Chester (about a half hour away) and got a tattoo. My reasoning for not dying was that I had that and I want to be cremated and that would ruin the ink. At this point now my older brother is a BIG reason why I don’t. He almost died nine years ago and I would’ve lost it if that had happened. Hell I’m tearing up right now thinking about it. Our mom died when I was 14 and I look like her. I couldn’t put him through that. It’s weird because I know a lot of people would miss me, and this is not a “Live because people will miss you!” diatribe, because I think that’s really guilting. But a LOT of people will find little things like “Oh this game is coming out,” or “I adopted a puppy,” and whatever works works!

          • drakulus
            Dec 16, 2018 12:18 am

            I totally forgot to reply on your husband’s situation with his sister. It must be rough and I kind of feel sorry for both of them. I’m obviously an outsider in this situation, but if she’s in that kind of relationship and it’s making her turn against her siblings that has to be hard on everyone involved. I truly hope that everything works itself out. I’m glad the rest of you have great relationships though.

            I get along just fine with my brother. We did go 3 years without speaking to each other, but we’re like best friends now. I also get along with my sister that lives in Georgia and somewhat with my oldest sister that lives 2 miles down the road. It’s just that one sister that I’ve never gotten along with because she hates me…

          • The Shameful Narcissist
            Dec 23, 2018 2:02 pm

            She’s alienating everyone and it sucks. Her and her sister used to have a really close relationship and I feel bad for her (the youngerr sister) especially because she’s now pregnant and the last thing she needs is stress. At this point they’re going to let her do what she’s going to do. I feel bad for her, too, because I know WHY she’s doing it, but it doesn’t excuse abusive behavior just like you looking like your father doesn’t excuse your sister from treating you like shit. I was actually talking to my hubby aboutt his last night hehe. I get why your sister is doing it, but it doesn’t excuse it. That’s something she needs to sit with and realize. I’m glad you have other siblings who aren’t asses to you.

            If I don’t talk to you before have a Merry Christmas!

          • drakulus
            Dec 23, 2018 2:19 pm

            You see… I was never close with my sister. I’m hopeful that one day they’ll rekindle their bond. My sister and I don’t have anything to rekindle. That used to bother me, but I just don’t care anymore. I know who the important people in my life are and that’s what I’m focused on.

            And Merry Christmas to you too!

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