What I've Been Up To 7

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

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I’m not really sure where to begin with this so I’m just going to start typing and see where it goes.

I never knew my grandparents on my father’s side of the family. I guess before I go any further I should let you all know that I’m a Black/White man. My mother is Black and my father is White. My father comes from a long line of racist people. My great grandfather (on my grandmother’s side) was a high ranking member of the KKK so it’s only natural that he would’ve raised his kids to hate people of a different race. Times were very different back then towards Black people. My mom regularly tells me how proud my father was to be my dad when I was born. I think she does that because she knows we’re not very close, but I love my dad. I do. I just don’t know how to get to know him because we’re two completely different people. He loves tools, cars, and manly stuff while I’m a major nerd that has no interest in any of those things. He’s hard to approach and I never know what to say to start a conversation. When I asked my mom why I never had a relationship with my grandparents she told me that when I was born they told my father they didn’t want to be around a little half nigger. She said it broke my father’s heart and he never took me back to see his parents. He confirmed the story and there you have it. That’s why I never knew my dad’s parents. 

We just found out that my grandmother died, but the situation around her passing pissed me off. My father never had the chance to say his goodbyes to his dad. His family waited almost a week to tell my dad that his father had died. This time his nephew waited a whole year to tell anyone. He hid my grandmother away from the world and collected her social security checks while alienating everyone that tried to find her. He would lie and say she was living in a retirement home when she was dead this entire time. My uncle is not a good dude. He’s violent, abusive, and likes to rape people. I’m angry because of the pain that my father is feeling right now. He never had a great relationship with his parents. He actually didn’t have one with them at all because of what happened when I was born among other circumstances. My aunt regularly tells me that her parents were evil people. I have mixed feelings because the few times that I did see them they were always nice to me. My grandfather died when I was just a boy and I haven’t seen my grandmother in almost 15 years. It’s hard to mourn for a person that I never knew, but I’m still sad because my dad is. I haven’t seen my father cry since I was a child and there he was… sitting on his bed with tears running down his face. It broke my heart and when I found out the truth on what had happened to my grandmother I got incredibly angry. I’m so angry that I can’t breathe and that’s why I’m writing this now. I don’t want to do anything stupid so I’m venting here to all of you.

I have grandparents now and the only thing I can think of his the fact that one day I’ll be without my mom and dad and that’s something I’m just not ready for. My grandmother died alone because of the choices she made in life, but if I would have known she was dying I would have went down there with my dad and said goodbye to her. Why? Because the only memories that I have of her are good ones. The few times that I saw her in my life was good times. She never said anything bad to me. She hugged me, kissed me, and told me she loved me. That’s what I remember about my grandmother, but I’m having a hard time feeling anything right now. I don’t know what I should be doing right now. I’m going through so many different emotions that I feel like I’m drowning. I know I usually end this these on a positive note, but I’m not sure what I can say that’s positive about all of this, but I’ll try. So I’m taking a few days to myself. I need to be there for my dad and center my feelings. I just need some time. Things should be back to normal in a few days. 

To get my mind off of everything I booted up the first game I could think of. I started playing Diablo III on my PC and started grinding my Necromancer up to level 70 (I’m currently level 67) and I should hit that milestone tonight if I play. I’m trying to get the seasonal rewards so I’ve been slowly grinding my way up the seasonal goals. I’m almost on page 3. I just need to hit level 70 to move on. I don’t really have a definitive build yet. I do like shooting bones at mobs though and that’s what I’m mostly using. If there’s a bone spell I’m using it. I also like shooting everything with my blood, but bones are cooler. 

Since Destiny 2 is free on PC I went ahead and downloaded it (80 GBs btw) and it’s much better on PC than console. It runs like a dream on my rig and it doesn’t matter how crazy things get my FPS never dipped. I went in with really low expectations.The stage design (right now) is average at best, but it’s something to do and I the gameplay is excellent so there’s that… 

I’m sorry for the long rant up there. Thank you for reading. 

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7 Comments

  • Reply
    emonyagami
    Nov 05, 2018 10:44 am

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family man

  • Reply
    dudewantshisrug
    Nov 05, 2018 10:47 am

    Stay strong, man. You can’t change the past but you can be there for the people in your life now.

  • I’m sorry your dad has to go through this. It sounds awful and I completely understand why you’re upset. All you can do now is be there for your dad and try not to shoulder the weight of the world.

  • Reply
    The Shameful Narcissist
    Nov 17, 2018 7:22 pm

    Damn. I’ll just say whatever you’re feeling is the right thing to be feeling and choosing to write about it instead of doing something else was a wise move. That’s fucked up what some of your family did and there’s no getting around it. The first time you see your parents cry is hard, and it’s especially hard when there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s…almost like this painful adult rite of passage when you realize that parents are pretty much just like us muddling through it all. I hope the following days help you find a better head space.

    • Reply
      drakulus
      Nov 17, 2018 9:56 pm

      Thank you. My feelings were all over the place the first few days when I found out about my grandmother. I have no grandparents now and that’s not a feeling I like. I eventually ended up crying because even though I haven’t seen my grandmother since I was a teenager I cried because my father was in pain and because I never got to know her the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I know my grandmother did a lot of bad things to her children, but I still wanted to know her anyway.

      And you’re absolutely correct about parents. I always thought my dad was invincible and that nothing could hurt him. Seeing him cry made me realize that he’s human. I obviously know that he’s human, but I always thought he was more… once again… I’m making no sense :).

      • Reply
        The Shameful Narcissist
        Nov 19, 2018 12:07 am

        It makes perfect sense. People are complicated. We like to go through live thinking they’re either saints or monsters, but the majority of humanity isn’t that simple. This isn’t to say you should put up with abuse of course, but it’s like how people can do the best they can and have good intentions, but if you hurt someone, they’re still just as hurt. You could also be lamenting the relationship you never had and the potential for it. That’s a *heavy* loss because it’s not only the person, but the potential for what they person could’ve been. Put on top of it the empathy you have for your father and that’s a whole other burden.

        Nope, this all makes sense to me! It’s like the first time I was taller than an adult. I thought the world had turned upside down because adults were supposed to be taller than children! I also used to think they couldn’t cry so the first time I saw that it threw me for a loop. We generally see our parents like that because they’re who we look to for guidance in this batshit world, and even if they’re not central in our lives, our culture centers them so we have an idea of how they’re supposed to be. I figured when I became an adult I’d know everything because as a kid that’s how you think, but now that I’m (supposed to be) an adult, I realize no one knows what the hell is going on, though older folks usually have more experience.

        • Reply
          drakulus
          Nov 20, 2018 12:41 am

          That was wonderfully said and you actually helped me make sense of my feelings about everything. My dad has been avoiding the subject of his mom. No one brings it up and he doesn’t talk about it so that’s how things are right now. He seems like he’s okay, but you can never be sure about things like this. I mean… that was his mom that died. I can’t imagine what he must be feeling on the inside.

          I used to think the exact same things when I was a kid. I think we all did in a way. When you’re young your parents are larger than life figures that can do no wrong. It’s only when you get older that you realize just how hard they must have had it raising us and dealing with their own real life problems while protecting us from them. I’m a parent now and I understand a lot more now than I did before I had kids. I’ll do anything to protect them like my mom did for me.

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